


Alles nur weil ich dich liebe (everything only because I love you)

by Ookamicky



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Jealousy, M/M, Murder-Suicide, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, but he loves jinan, but not the typical self-harm, june has psychological issues, sorry hanbin for not being allowed to say anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 03:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11073597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ookamicky/pseuds/Ookamicky
Summary: Junhoe and Jinhwan are a match made in heaven. But when Junhoe's self-doubts, inner voices and paranoia go out of hand, things get problematic. When Donghyuk gets a new boyfriend who is what Junhoe isn't, everything goes downhill.based on the song "alles nur weil ich dich liebe" from the german band "die toten Hosen".





	Alles nur weil ich dich liebe (everything only because I love you)

Oh, how he hated it. The fear of not being enough, the fear of him finding someone better, the fear of being too much and not enough at the same time. The fear to lose him. Junhoe couldn’t stand it.

 

 

They had been friends since middle school, became a couple in high school and moved in together a few weeks after graduating. They had barely been separated until then. Jinhwan had been the new kid in middle school, he hadn’t known a single soul and Junhoe had taken a liking on him and decided to take him under his wing. Starting then it had always been them. Just them. Where Junhoe went Jinhwan would follow and where Jinhwan went Junhoe would be right behind him. They were their school’s dream team.

  
That didn’t change in high school despite Donghyuk becoming their friend. With Donghyuk came Hanbin, but they were never even close to the relationship Junhoe and Jinhwan had. Sure, they were friends and they were good friends, but Junhoe knew that Jinhwan would always choose him over those two in the blink of an eye if he had to. The fact that the two of them were always together didn’t change. Neither of them would meet with anyone without the other coming along. If one was sick or had no time the other wouldn’t come either. It had always been like this.  
They only grew closer when Jinhwan drunkenly confessed his feelings for Junhoe one night, resulting in a heated make out session, some more “I love you”s and them announcing their relationship the next day. No one had been surprised. Donghyuk had said something along the lines of “Finally you two idiots saw it!” and Hanbin had jabbed him in the ribs. Nothing had really changed. It still was the same friendship but with lingering touches, kisses, sex and loving gazes at each other. Junhoe’s protectiveness grew. He himself hadn’t noticed until one evening while the four of them were at Hanbin’s apartment he almost punched the older in the face when he playfully slapped Jinhwan’s ass. The only thing holding him back was Jinhwan’s pure laughter that rang throughout the room at that.

Things had been perfect in Junhoe’s eyes. He was with the man he loved, he was loved in return and nothing came in between them. That was until they started working. They were living together but saw each other less than during their schooldays. Jinhwan worked at the local kindergarten, Junhoe had gotten a job in a café. He didn’t particularly like his job, but he didn’t hate it either. Jinhwan on the other hand loved his job. He would talk about the kids and their antics for hours and forget to eat his dinner if Junhoe wouldn’t remind him of it. It had been cute in the beginning. But the longing for his boyfriend had grown into something Junhoe slowly lost control of.

 

He was sitting at home, on the floor next to the door, alone, waiting, staring at the ceiling, listening to every sound the elevator made outside the door. Jinhwan should have been home ten minutes ago. Junhoe clenched his hands into fists only to unclench them again. He repeated that five times before he lost it. He stood up and started to pace the apartment. From the door to the living room table, to the kitchen window, to the couch, to the door and back again. He stood in front of their kitchen table, glaring at the newspaper from two days ago, the small bowl with grapes in it and the mug Jinhwan had forgotten to put in the sink that morning.

He felt like the stuff was laughing at him.

His thoughts ran wild. A small voice inside of his head told him that Jinhwan would be home soon, but the louder voice was yelling at him, laughing at him, calling him pathetic for even thinking that Jinhwan would come back. Why would he? He most likely found someone way better, maybe a father of one of the oh so cute little children Jinhwan loved so much. Children, they could never have. Not together. Maybe one of the fathers who was taller than Junhoe, older than him, more handsome, had a sixpack and a bright smile. Maybe one of the fathers who was sweeter than Junhoe, rich and could buy Jinhwan expensive gifts.

Someone better.

It was only when the bowl hit the ground with a loud thud and the mug burst into a thousand little pieces next to it, mixing with the grapes that Junhoe noticed he had yelled and pushed everything off the table forcefully. He was still screaming while looking at the ground and kicking at the fallen objects.

The sound of keys dropping to the floor made him spin around and stare at the front door. Jinhwan was home, standing in the open door and looking at him with wide eyes.  
“J-June?” he asked carefully before moving into the apartment. Junhoe still hadn’t moved. He was standing in the middle of crushed grapes, shards of Jinhwan’s favorite mug and slightly torn pages of the newspaper.  
Jinhwan closed the door carefully and rushed into the kitchen to his boyfriend, his eyes never leaving Junhoe’s.

 

“What happened?” he asked, his voice thick with shock and worry. Junhoe couldn’t answer. He looked at the floor and slowly started to feel the wetness of the grapes seeping through his socks. He wasn’t sure how to answer. So he opted for the most logical question instead.

“Where have you been?” Junhoe was surprised at how raspy his voice was. Most likely due to screaming and yelling.  
“What?” Jinhwan looked at him completely dumbfounded but didn’t wait for an answer before going on to explain, “I stopped at the Chinese restaurant down the street and got us some takeout.”  
Junhoe stared at him before his eyes slipped to the door where two boxes of takeout stood forgotten on the ground.

“You should have texted me…,” he mumbled weakly. “I thought something had happened.”  
It was not a lie. It wasn’t entirely the truth, but ‘something’ could be a lot. Jinhwan softly wrapped his arms around the taller and pulled him down to press a kiss against his temple.  
“I’m sorry, next time I will,” he promised before moving to clean up the mess Junhoe had made.

 

Junhow was staring at the ceiling. He heard Jinhwan’s even breath next to him, indicating that the smaller was asleep. Luckily Jinhwan hadn’t asked any further questions about what happened and they had enjoyed their evening together. Normally that would have ended in sex, but tonight it hadn’t. Jinhwan hadn’t felt like it because he was too tired. Junhow felt anxious about that reply. Jinhwan normally loved sex. It was mostly Junhoe who had to say no in the past, when he had to leave for work or they needed to sleep or simply because he physically couldn’t go another round. Never in the years they had been together did Jinhwan say no to sex. Well, save for once but that was because their friends had planned a surprise birthday party and were hiding in the room when Junhoe had started squeezing Jinhwan’s butt.

Junhoe couldn’t sleep so he let his thoughts wander. He briefly wondered why Donghyuk still hadn’t introduced his boyfriend to them. He sounded like a nice enough guy and Donghyuk always dreamily told them about him. He came from the U.S because of work as far as Junhoe remembered. He had forgotten his name already, but he didn’t really care. Sure, he liked Donghyuk but he couldn’t care less about someone else’s love life. His own was more important, especially because of what happened today. He had always been a little jealous, even when the two of them had only been friends. Looking back at it now, he noticed that he had most likely developed feeling for Jinhwan shortly after they met. He had never liked the way some of the girls in middle school tried to flirt with Jinhwan. In high school, after they both came out, it was girls and boys that tried their luck with the short boy. Junhoe knew exactly why. Jinhwan was beautiful and kind. The small mole beneath his eye made Junhoe smile softly every time he looked at it. Jinhwan’s small eyes, full of happiness and love, his beautifully shaped face, his small hands that fit perfectly into Junhoe’s… Junhoe truly was in love.  
While thinking of Jinhwan he slowly fell asleep.

 

Things were normal again the next day. Junhoe went to work after Jinhwan had left and got back later than his boyfriend. The next weeks went by without many problems. Jinhwan came home on time and despite missing him every second he wasn’t with him, Junhoe behaved. He didn’t throw any further tantrums. It was two weeks later that they met with Hanbin and Donghyuk to meet Donghyuk’s new boyfriend.

The three of them came over to Junhoe’s and Jinhwan’s apartment to eat and watch some movies, maybe play some games. The doorbell rang and Jinhwan went to open the door. Junhoe stayed in the kitchen to look after the food his boyfriend was cooking. He turned around when the door closed and he heard an unfamiliar voice saying hello to Jinhwan. Looking at the stranger, Junhoe felt his blood run cold.

He knew that Donghyuk would get himself a handsome boyfriend, the other had his standards. But Junhoe really didn’t expect a guy like this. Tall, a billion-dollar smile rivaling the sun in brightness, small eyes, sharp jawline, big hands and, worst of all, muscular. He was wearing a tanktop beneath his leather jacket, showing off his broad shoulders and amazing arms. Junhoe wasn’t uncomfortable in his body. But he knew that he wasn’t exactly muscular and for sure not the way this guy was.

“Ah, hello! I am Bobby, Donghyuk’s boyfriend. It’s nice to meet you! You must be Junhoe, right?” Donghyuk’s boyfriend – Bobby – walked over to Junhoe, extending his hand with a bright smile. It was friendly, but to Junhoe it looked mocking. As if laughing at him, telling him how much more Jinhwan liked his body type compared to Junhoe’s. It took him a few seconds and the sound of Jinhwan clearing his throat for Junhoe to react. He took Bobby’s hand and shook it, but he couldn’t force a smile on his face, no matter how much he tried. Luckily for Bobby Donghyuk and Hanbin came over to say hello as well and rescued both, him and Junhoe from any further interactions. Junhoe simply turned back to the stove, glaring at the food. He could hear the other four laughing behind him.

_They are laughing at you. At the way you reacted to him. They know he’s better than you. They know you are afraid of him. They know he will take Jinhwan and your friends from you. They know the truth._

Junhoe tried to will the voice in his head away, tried to ignore it, to just concentrate on the food and nothing more, not the voices behind him, not the way Jinhwan laughed at one of Bobby’s jokes, not the way that tall body dropped onto the couch. Only the meat in the pan, the sound of it grilling, the sound of the vegetables cooking in the pot.

“Junhoe, be friendly.” He heard Jinhwan hiss right after he felt the smaller’s elbow against his ribs. It startled him. He hadn’t heard him approaching.

“I know you’re not fond of strangers, but he is Donghyuk’s boyfriend and he is really nice. Give him a chance. For Donghyuk. For me,” Jinhwan continued, his voice going from strict to pleading. Junhoe gave a short nod and a mumbled apology as an answer before letting Jinhwan back in front of the stove. He didn’t leave the kitchen though. Watching Jinhwan calmed him. He managed to get his racing heart back to a normal rhythm and chase his racing thoughts back into a dark corner. Jinhwan was here. With him.

The evening went smoothly. Junhoe avoided looking at Bobby as much as he could, made sure that at least one part of his body was touching Jinhwan at any time and talked mostly with Hanbin. The way Donghyuk practically clung to Bobby during the whole evening helped putting his heart at ease, too. Everything was fine.

 

 

A few days later Jinhwan was late again. Junhoe stared at the clock. Fifteen minutes. He had planned to take him out for dinner tonight, without any special reason, just to show him how much he loved him. But staring at the clock that thought seemed ridiculous. Jinhwan wouldn’t appreciate it. Because Jinhwan didn’t love him the same way Junhoe loved him. Junhoe knew his love for the older was burning, passionate, hot, deep, overwhelming. Sometimes maybe a bit too overwhelming. But he also knew that he didn’t always show him that. Maybe that was why Jinhwan came home late. He had found someone better.

The door opened half an hour later to a panting Jinhwan with messed up hair and looking overall disheveled. Junhoe stared at him wordlessly. He had managed to keep himself from destroying the kitchen this time, but the magazine that had been on the living room desk was ripped into pieces and scattered all over Junhoe’s lap and the couch he was sitting on.  
The two of them stared at each other for a few seconds, unmoving and silently before Jinhwan closed the door and started to mumble.

“I’m sorry I’m late… The elevator is broken so I had to walk up the stairs. … And Bobby came to pick up Hanbin’s sister and-“  
Junhoe didn’t hear anything else. The way Jinhwan looked, the amount of time he was too late and the fact that he had met Bobby only let one conclusion cloud Junhoe’s mind. Bobby had kept him.

Jinhwan had spent his time with Bobby.

His mind started playing scenes of the two of them behind the kindergarten, in one of the empty rooms inside, on the toilette of a café, in the bushes of the park down the street; many different location but they always fucked. They fucked, Jinhwan screamed Bobby’s name, moaned for him and enjoyed it more than he ever had with Junhoe.

Junhoe’s body moved on its own. He rushed over to where Jinhwan was still standing in front of the door, babbling about his encounter with Bobby and one apology after another. Junhoe still didn’t listen. He stared at the smaller, grabbed his arm and yanked him forward, pulling him towards their bedroom. Jinhwan was struggling in his hold, trying to get free, yelling at him to let go, slapping his arm and shoulder with his free hand, but Junhoe didn’t even notice. His mind was still providing him with pictures. He pulled Jinhwan into the room behind himself and threw him onto the bed. He didn’t even hear the surprised yell the older let out as his body hit the bed. Junhoe got on top of him, trapping the smaller body beneath his own before he forced his lips onto Jinhwan’s. He moved them on his boyfriend’s, his whole body lying flat on top of Jinhwan’s, effectively keeping him from moving in any way. The moment Jinhwan parted his lips in protest, Junhoe slipped his tongue into his mouth, trying to get his body even closer to Jinhwan’s. Finally, after a few minutes of Jinhwan struggling and Junhoe forcing his tongue and lips onto his boyfriend, Jinhwan gave in. He stopped struggling and returned the kiss, trying to get Junhoe to come back to his senses. It took a small but very heated make-out-session for Junhoe to pull back. He got up, moved away from the bed and to the door.

“Don’t ever look at him again,” he growled before walking out of the bedroom and locking the door behind him, leaving a crying, baffled Jinhwan alone in their bedroom.  
Junhoe went back to the living room, staring at the remains of the magazine he had teared apart earlier. Jinhwan had been with Bobby. Was tall, buff, handsome, funny-guy Bobby. Junhoe needed a way to prove Jinhwan how much he loved him. A simple dinner was nothing. It needed to be bigger. A dinner only showed that he would spent his money on Jinhwan. But it didn’t show how much more he would do. That he would do everything for him. That he would die for him.

Die for him.

Junhoe stared at the bedroom door. If Jinhwan would see that Junhoe would die for him, maybe he would realize how much he loved him.  
Without thinking twice Junhoe went into the kitchen, grabbed the first knife he could find and quickly hurried back into the bedroom, closing the door behind him again. He looked at Jinhwan, who was sitting on the bed, cross-legged and looking up at Junhoe when he walked in. His eyes widened the moment he saw the knife in the taller’s hand.

“Ju-“  
“Jinhwan… You know that I love you right?” Junhoe started, still standing in front of the closed door, a small smile on his face. He knew this was the right thing to do. Looking at his boyfriend nodding with a horror-filled face, Junhoe took a step forward.  
“I love you so much it hurts. Jinan, I would do anything for you, you know that, right?” Another nod was the only answer he got. Jinhwan was not staring at his face, he was staring at the knife as Junhoe slowly lifted it.  
“Jinan… I would die for you. I know you don’t believe me. But it’s the truth,” he continued, putting the sharp blade of the knife on the skin of his wrist.  
“June, don’t! I believe you! I know you would, you don’t need to show me! I love you too!” Jinhwan yelled, getting off the bed and almost tripping over his own legs.  
Junhoe laughed a short, dry laugh at that answer.  
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s okay like this. I want to prove it to you,” he replied with a smile on his face before he started to press the knife down, dragging it up his forearm slowly. After half a centimeter, he had pressed it hard enough to start drawing blood. His eyes never once left Jinhwan’s and the smile didn’t leave his lips either. His face was frozen, as he dragged the knife up slowly but steadily.

Suddenly the doorbell rang, pulling Junhoe out of it for a moment. His body twitched the moment the sound rang through the apartment and he spun around, the knife momentarily forgotten. Jinhwan took the opportunity and jumped up, ran past Junhoe and to the door. Junhoe saw him throwing it open and heard him yell at the person in front of it.

“Call an ambulance! He’s hurt! His arm! Quick!”  
Suddenly Junhoe’s vision got blurry. He dropped the knife and then himself and the next thing he knew was that his boyfriend was kneeling in front of him, looking at him with so much worry in his eyes, Junhoe felt sick.  
“June? June, it’s okay. I’m here. You’ll get help,” he assured him, stroking his left arm softly. Suddenly another voice was in the room but Junhoe felt too weak to look up.  
“I called the ambulance, they should be here- oh fuck… You… you should press something onto those cuts…,” the voice said. Junhoe knew that he had heard it before, but he couldn’t put a finger on it where.  
“Thanks, Chanwoo,” Jinhwan answered without looking up and quickly took his jacket off to press it onto Junhoe’s arm. Chanwoo. Their neighbor.  
It was only then that the younger noticed all the blood on his arm, his hand, his pants and the floor. A few centimeters next to Jinhwan was the knife. Junhoe blacked out.

 

When he opened his eyes again, they felt heavy. Too heavy for his liking so he kept them closed and just tried to listen to what was happening around him.

“Are you sure?” That was Jinhwan’s voice.  
“Yes. He should wake up soon, he is fine. The cut wasn’t that deep and he didn’t lose that much blood, he most likely blacked out because he realized what he had done and his mind couldn’t handle it. It will leave scars, but nothing too serious, don’t worry.” A voice Junhoe had never heard before.

“Thank you, Doctor Song.” And again, Jinhwan.

“No problem. Call me when he wakes up, please.” The unknown voice. Then steps moving away from him. Junhoe could hear a faint beeping sound, a door being opened and closed and then a chair was moved. The sound came closer to him. Someone sighed and he felt a hand touching his own. Jinhwan.  
Junhoe turned his head and forced his eyes open. When they were finally open, Junhoe took a moment to take in his surroundings. It was way too bright, it hurt his eyes. Junhoe tried to lift his hand to shield his eyes from the brightness but it didn’t work. He was in a room. The walls and the sheets were white, the curtains in front of the window were green. His eyes were burning so he closed them again with a small pained groan.

“June? June, are you awake?” Jinhwan’s voice was high but it sounded kind of strange, as if he had cried. Junhoe parted his lips to answer but no sound left his dry mouth. Instead he just nodded.  
“Oh, thank god!” Jinhwan almost yelled before a sob escaped his lips. He kept on whispering ‘thank god’ while squeezing Junhoe’s hand and pressing his head against his arm.  
Junhoe tried to talk again and this time it worked.

“Where am I? What… what happened?” he asked, surprised by how rough his own voice sounded.  
“You… We are in a hospital. June… you tried to kill yourself. If Chanwoo hadn’t been wanting to get some sugar from us…,” Jinhwan answered, trailing off at the end with his voice nothing more than whisper. Right. He had told him he would die for him. He would die for him but he failed. He didn’t even manage to do that. Junhoe stayed silent.  
“I’ll go get the doctor,” Jinhwan said before he got up and left the room. Junhoe still didn’t react. He had made a mistake, a horrible mistake.

Jinhwan came back with Doctor, a young man, most likely around their age, black hair, white clothes and a friendly smile on his face.  
“Hello, I am Song Yunhyeong, your doctor. How are you feeling?” he asked as he moved closer, freed Junhoe’s left arm and looked at the right one.  
“I’m sorry for fastening your arm to the bed, but we had to make sure you won’t try to peel the bandages off or scratch your injured wrist in your sleep,” the doctor explained before Junhoe could even ask.  
“My throat and eyes hurt. Other than that, I don’t feel much,” he mumbled as an answer to the man’s first question.  
“That makes sense, you screamed and yelled a lot when we took you here. Drink a bit and keep your voice low and you will be fine soon. Please don’t touch your bandages. Your wrist should be fine again soon,” the doctor answered with a nod. Junhoe couldn’t remember screaming, but he didn’t even begin to question it. He didn’t remember being brought to the hospital after all.

 

 

A few weeks later things were back to normal. Junhoe had been allowed to go home after four days, when the doctors had been sure he wasn’t suicidal after all, but he had promised Jinhwan to make an appointment with a psychologist. The first therapy session had gone smoothly a few days ago and things were okay. Jinhwan had taken care of his injuries, was always home on time and they hadn’t had any contact with the other three either. Well, Junhoe hadn’t, but Jinhwan had told him that Hanbin had texted him, asking how things were.  
The only new thing was Chanwoo. Their neighbor had visited them a few times after Junhoe was back home, looking at Jinhwan with a look Junhoe couldn’t really read. He was not sure what the younger’s intentions were, but for now he tolerated him. Jinhwan seemed to like him, but Junhoe noticed with pleasure that Jinhwan relaxed the moment Chanwoo left for his own apartment again. The tall kid didn’t worry Junhoe much.

When he woke up that morning, he felt hot. Not the good kind of hot where you want to fuck your boyfriend until he can’t walk anymore, but the kind of hot where you want to throw the blanket away and bath in ice-water. Jinhwan was sitting next to him, a soft smile on his lips when he noticed his boyfriend being awake. Junhoe wasn’t completely sure why Jinhwan hadn’t left him after his failed attempt to show him how much he loved him, but he wouldn’t question it any further.

“Hey. How are you feeling?” Jinhwan asked, sitting on the ground next to the bed, his head resting on his arms that were folded on the edge of the bed.  
“Hot. Too hot…,” Junhoe answered, his voice raspy from sleep. Sitting up, he noticed that he didn’t only feel hot, he also felt dizzy.  
“Whoa, stay there. Don’t move. I already called your work and told them you’re sick. You have been tossing and turning in your sleep for two hours now, I thought work might not be the best idea for you today. I also called in sick, so don’t worry about why I am not yet gone. It’s 8 am,” Jinhwan explained, carefully dabbing his forehead with a wet cloth. Junhoe nodded and slowly drifted back to sleep.

The fever struck him hard. It was hard for him to stay awake, it hurt to move, he was always sweating, he constantly had nightmares and he was often stuck in delirium, not able to differentiate between reality and dream.

Jinhwan came home a little later today. He had only been staying home for two days, he wasn’t sick after all and one of them needed to make at least a little money. Junhoe heard him when the front door closed, humming the tune of one of his favorite songs.

“Hey, June! I’m home~,” he sing-songed before getting to the bedroom to look after his sick boyfriend. Junhoe was sweating, looking up at the smaller male with hazy eyes. His fever had gone down only a little bit, but the doctors had allowed him to stay home and rest there. He looked at Jinhwan and sighed. They hadn’t kissed since his fever started and even before that they had only been intimate once since the ‘incident’ had happened.

Junhoe missed him. He had his boyfriend right in front of him, but he missed him so damn much, it hurt. He let out a low groan before lifting his arms and pulling the smaller on top of him. Jinhwan let out a high-pitched yelp, mixed with a breathless laugh, but immediately melted into the hug. When Junhoe tried to kiss him though, he turned his head away to rest on his chest.  
“Not yet, we can’t both be sick…,” Jinhwan mumbled with a sigh and pulled himself up again. “You should shower. Come on, I’ll help you. But don’t try anything funny!”  
Junhoe sighed, but let Jinhwan get up. He sat up slowly, forcing himself to get out of bed. He only left the bed to visit the bathroom and only if he really needed to. If it wasn’t for Jinhwan forcing him to shower once a day because he was so sweaty, he wouldn’t leave the bed except to go to the toilet. He didn’t even eat while Jinhwan was gone during the day. His days consisted of waking up when his boyfriend was at work already, waiting for him to come home in a state between being awake and being asleep, showering when Jinhwan was home, eating and sleeping. Sometimes he watched TV or played with his phone in between.

Today was the first day Junhoe dared to shower alone. Jinhwan was sitting on the closed toilet, making sure Junhoe won’t pass out or fall. Junhoe watched him. The small, fragile looking man he loved to call his, sitting there, his phone in his hands and smiling a stupid smile.

“Who are you texting?” Junhoe asked, trying to sound casual. He had a bad feeling.  
“Just Donghyuk. He sent me a funny picture,” Jinhwan answered, showing the picture of a cat sitting on the head of a dog. Very funny. Junhoe just nodded, not really convinced but too tired to argue. When he got out again, he immediately moved back to the bed, waiting there for Jinhwan to get him food. Jinhwan had left his phone on the bed before heading to the kitchen and it lit up after a few minutes of Junhoe waiting. He glanced at the screen.

A message from Bobby.

Junhoe couldn’t believe it. Not only did Jinhwan text Donghyuk’s boyfriend without telling him, he had also lied to him. That would explain his good mood since he got back. Junhoe felt rage bubble up in his throat. He got up, ignoring the way the room spun when he moved too quickly and rushed to the kitchen.

“What the fuck?!” he yelled once he was there. Jinhwan was laughing, Bobby standing behind him, his arms wrapped around the smaller’s waist and kissing his neck. Chanwoo was standing next to the two of them, a child in his arms and leaning over to kiss Jinhwan on the lips. Junhoe leaned against the fridge to not lose his balance. This could not be. He reached for Jinhwan, grabbed his wrist and pulled him out of the kitchen into the living room with every bit of strength his body could muster. His heart was racing and his head was spinning, but he stared at the still smiling Jinhwan.

“You… You know how much I love you! And you still do this? Was it not enough? It was because I failed, right?” he asked, his voice sounding far away, even to himself.  
Jinhwan in his arms only laughed and nodded. “You can’t even do this right, Junhoe. You fail at everything you do, why would I want to stay with you, if I could have them?” he asked, gesturing back to the kitchen where Bobby and Chanwoo were playing with the child next to Donghyuk, who hadn’t been there before, but was now taking care of the food.  
Junhoe only noticed he was crying when he felt the tears hitting his arms.

“I don’t. I will show you that I can succeed at something. I love you Jinhwan! I love you so much and I will show you. I’d do anything for you,” he whispered while blindly reaching to his left to grab the scissors from the cupboard knocking over the pen pot it belonged into. He grabbed them tightly, his knuckles turning white, looked directly into Jinhwan’s eyes, raised his arm and forced it back down. The tip of the scissors pierced through Jinhwan’s shirt, then his skin, his flesh and further into his body. Junhoe watched in fascination how the scissors disappeared into his boyfriend’s body, deeper and deeper. It happened fast, but to Junhoe it felt like hours. He repeated the same motion two more times, not even hearing Jinhwan scream. He stopped then, the scissors still sticking in Jinhwan’s chest, squeezing the smaller close to his chest. He stood up, lifting the weak body up and kept him close while walking to the living room window. Junhoe only looked away from his boyfriend when he reached up to open the window.

“I love… I love you so much… I show you how much I love you and kill us both… In death, we will be together. Jinhwan… Jinan, no one can take you from me…,” he whispered as he opened the window completely and sat down on the windowsill. He leaned down, pressed his lips to Jinhwan’s almost colorless ones, smiling fondly at his wide, fearful eyes.

“You are mine and I am yours. Forever. I love you… I love you so much,” Junhoe whispered while pulling Jinhwan almost lifeless body tightly against his chest. His eyes were fixed on Jinhwan’s as he leaned back further and further until he fell out the window and fifteen stories down, not letting go of the older.

“I love you…,” Junhoe repeated until his body hit the ground, his bones crashing against the hard concrete of the sidewalk.  
He didn’t hear the people around him screaming, didn’t know that the apartment now was empty. He only cared that the last thing he saw before life left his body was Jinhwan’s beautiful face.

 

 

 

 

The phone on the bed still showed Bobby’s message.  
Bobby: “OMFG IT’S BEAUTIFUL! He will love the ring, I’m sure he’ll say yes!”

**Author's Note:**

> my first try at something like this, criticism and love are welcome.  
> also: i'm sorry for that ending, but i love it ^-^


End file.
